Tyranny Of Small Minds

Somebody in or around my neighborhood has no life.

This is the notice planted in our front yard last Friday. I admit that we are not of the Genus Suburbus Lawnus Nazius, but we do try and keep it from being our own little African Grassland. Thing is, in Oklahoma, you have to be careful of over cutting your grass, unless you are willing to waste a lot of water to keep it green. Another option for the long stretches without rain is to let it grow a bit so it doesn't simply burn up.

So it got a little ragged after it finally rained, but if you read the text of that notice it sounds as if we presided over a yard choked by giant mutant weeds issuing noxious odors and sheltering post-radioactive rats. This is comical in a perverse sort of way, since our yard is a pathetic mixture of dry dirt, tenacious flowering weeds, and scraggly grass struggling to survive.

I was really fucking pissed off when my wife discovered the notice planted in the yard, for all the neighbors to see. I felt like we were bad people, blighting our entire block with our sorry little lawn. I couldn't help wondering who exactly decided to call the Lawn Police and plotted ways to retaliate. Since the notice allows ten days to remedy the situation, I figured we could erect a sign easily visible from the street, advising the informant how tall the grass was and how many more days we had before we absolutely, positively had to cut it.

Fortunately my wife's cool head prevailed, and I gave up my devious plans to inflict similar humiliation upon the nosy culprit. Instead, we got the damn grass cut.

Today I called the inspector who placed the red badge of nonconformity upon my meager lawn, to ask her to come out and inspect, lest we still be out of compliance. She asked which lawn was ours. It runs out she placed somewhere close to fifteen such signs for various alleged infractions in and around our neighborhood. I asked her if someone simply called in, and she said that was exactly the case.

"I call them the get-a-life people."

I almost fell on the floor laughing. Some time later today she'll be by to reinspect, lest we again give the UberLawnVolk reason to call down the dogs of grass on our heads.